PS. PTSD, or how I learned to hate mortar lines

(The following post first appeared in my Other Blog on September 12, 2010, and details a job I had in Connecticut at a haunted attraction called The Haunted Graveyard).


Wanna see how I spent my last week?

“So, hey. Can you paint 40 wooden boxes and those gate archway pieces to look like they’re made out of stone?”

Um. Well. I’m not a scenic painter. And I’d rather paint grout lines than stones. And and and…well. How many?

“40. Using a roller.”

“Sure. Two, 2-1/2 days.”

…Because I was smoking the crack, y0.

I had one to use as a model. We figured out that if we kept the painting to 5″ intervals, I could use a 4″ ruler and keep a reasonable grout line going.

End of day two. It’s hard to get a sense of scale, but those curving ‘archway’ pieces are…maybe 8′ tall? And required a lot of cutting-in with the painting to keep the stone look going.

(Yes, I think the stones are pretty much craptastic, though I did try to keep in mind good ol’ Philadelphia schist walls as I was working.)

Originally I was measuring and chalking lines. My boss came up with this contraption on Day 3. Saved much time and – more importantly – was so easy to use I didn’t have to explain to anyone else what I needed to have done. Which was, um, significantly more than 40 boxes.

The end of day three.

(…Insert sounds of sobbing here.)

(……..No. Really.)

(………….And YES I’m working in a friggin’ QUARRY. With barely another person in sight.)

A thing of beauty…someone else chalked the last pile of boxes to be painted! Which was even more better because I was seriously ready to quit at this point. To be fair, also at this point, the haunt owner was starting to feel bad about the task he’d given me,

(Yes, I had help. And I was able to prove that I was going twice as fast as my help…and I can never thank my help enough for, indeed, helping. Even if they didn’t speak English. And took a poopton of breaks.)

I include this so you can see the tall damn pillars – way in the back – that made up the rest of those archway-ish pieces. There were actually 4 column pieces that were taller than the 4′ box pieces.

(And since I had to look at all these damn boxes? YOU DO TOO DAMMIT!!!)


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