PS. PTSD, or how I learned to hate mortar lines

(The following post first appeared in my Other Blog on September 12, 2010, and details a job I had in Connecticut at a haunted attraction called The Haunted Graveyard).

~~~~~~

Wanna see how I spent my last week?

“So, hey. Can you paint 40 wooden boxes and those gate archway pieces to look like they’re made out of stone?”

Um. Well. I’m not a scenic painter. And I’d rather paint grout lines than stones. And and and…well. How many?

“40. Using a roller.”

“Sure. Two, 2-1/2 days.”

…Because I was smoking the crack, y0.

I had one to use as a model. We figured out that if we kept the painting to 5″ intervals, I could use a 4″ ruler and keep a reasonable grout line going.

End of day two. It’s hard to get a sense of scale, but those curving ‘archway’ pieces are…maybe 8′ tall? And required a lot of cutting-in with the painting to keep the stone look going.

(Yes, I think the stones are pretty much craptastic, though I did try to keep in mind good ol’ Philadelphia schist walls as I was working.)


Originally I was measuring and chalking lines. My boss came up with this contraption on Day 3. Saved much time and – more importantly – was so easy to use I didn’t have to explain to anyone else what I needed to have done. Which was, um, significantly more than 40 boxes.

The end of day three.

(…Insert sounds of sobbing here.)

(……..No. Really.)

(………….And YES I’m working in a friggin’ QUARRY. With barely another person in sight.)

A thing of beauty…someone else chalked the last pile of boxes to be painted! Which was even more better because I was seriously ready to quit at this point. To be fair, also at this point, the haunt owner was starting to feel bad about the task he’d given me,

THANK ALL THE GODS THAT ARE BOTHERING TO NOTICE!! THE BOXES ARE DONE!!
(Yes, I had help. And I was able to prove that I was going twice as fast as my help…and I can never thank my help enough for, indeed, helping. Even if they didn’t speak English. And took a poopton of breaks.)

I include this so you can see the tall damn pillars – way in the back – that made up the rest of those archway-ish pieces. There were actually 4 column pieces that were taller than the 4′ box pieces.

(And since I had to look at all these damn boxes? YOU DO TOO DAMMIT!!!)

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